If there was ever a time when a moment changed the course of my life it was probably when Chrl and I grew into a couple. It opened my heart and mind to the vast possibilities that were always there but somehow were unavailable to me. They were unavailable because I was preoccupied with being on the “prowl” for a potential mate. There is this weird paradox that sometimes pops up whenever one wants something really bad. That determination to bend the universe to one’s will in order to gain some desire turns into disaster. That determination and that focus and the general tantrum that fills the space between our ears is really our inability to just let things be. For me it was the realization that no matter what I did taste was a matter of individual choice. A person has to freely make a decision. I made the decision to resign my lot to the universe as limited as it is on this planet and see where the chips may fall.
Every couple have their origin stories unique to them. Even those that met online have something that is unique to them. The way that cultures blend these days with fluid borders and fluid movement I had the romantic notion that somewhere out there would be that person I had sought. I had given up actively looking. At a certain point I had given up and came back home taking a long journey to get there. Back home things changed and having given up my seniority I had to start almost all over again. There is something about having friends and contacts. Things kind of happened but I made the decision to leave having spent way too much on my journey. There was no way I would be able to pay back what I owed without going further into debt. It was a decision made rationally and emotionally by projecting where I wanted to be and finding a way to get there. This honesty opened me up in way I couldn’t recognize. It was at this point that we had nothing to loose in our fun times. We knew this would only last a while before I made my way back to the other side of the world.
That opening allowed us to imprint our states of being onto each other. The way that two people can when they have nothing to lose. The way a stanger in the bar who listens finds a solid understanding and gives good advice. There is nothing to lose in an honest opinion or an honest interpretation. When the pressure was off and it was two beings coexisting at a moment in time it allowed something to enter that fostered something and filled voids in need of nurishment. There was something to loose. When it gets to this stage and the decision or realization of something long sought after became clear things changed. It became evident that this was something important and something to strive for. It became a way of channeling all those moments away into something productive. There is a definite process that passed thhrough me and continues to evolve in ways that I anticipated but also couldn’t really imagine experiencing. It has to be experienced for it to be truly understood. I had forgotten this deliberately because of the pain but I know it’s necessary for it to be authentic. Real love has two sides we try to avoid the other.
So as I walk these streets of this fronteir town I sometimes think about the stories that the pioneers had when they first got here. Life was tough in the beginning as everything boomed. Towns sprung up allover the place and people organized themselves. One had to have an attitude in order to make it through to prosperity. Some of that history is of course romaticised by avoiding the atrocities committed here. Many of the people though did escape atrocities in their countries too. Kind of how refugees are excaping now from war and violence. So in some weird sense us being here in this city is a kind of adventure that we are undertaking together. We are filled with some kind of a romantic emotion that is carrying us inside this bubble for a while and we envelop ourselves in it for protection and comfort. I don’t miss the days sleeping on a single mattress but appreciate them as a hardship endured to get here to this place.
Long ago I made a list and slowly I am ticking off things that I wanted to do. The list was just long enough and now that it is slowly dwindling down I’ve got to make another. The big item will be figuring out what to do in light of these life developments. There is a certain degree of comfort knowing that I am not alone. There is comfort in togetherness. This comfort gives rise to much potential and it allows things to develop in interesting ways as so many avenues are open. The hunt took too much time and in the end the skills that lead to success were closer to those of a gardener. It is those kinds of skills that will lead to long term growth and happiness. The warrior and the hunter is still inside but on a daily basis it is the gardener that tends to be the operating system. I’ll fit right in as this area is built upon farming. It’s the reason why traditions and a certain political cultural perspective permeates through here. That sort of perspective I’ll be fighting while living that lifestyle as a family man.
Over the course of our relationship I have learned a lot about my woman and women in general. Things not considered or not appreciated. Things that when I look back I kinda cringe a little bit as I may have acted inappropriately or disrespectfully. Sometimes I wasn’t brave enough to say what I really thought or felt and sometimes felt like I was inadequate for some tastes and chased after actualizing a false projection of what I thought I should be. Life has a way of shaking you awake and pointing in a different direction. Every significant encounter lead to a point and now I understand how those effects moved me. There was a battle between principles and desires. Both of those forces won just not at the same time and not there and then but here and now. I’ve come to believe that women are really important and that they are not given enough credit. Chrl has educated me in seeing some things. She filled in some things that were absent from my understanding. What society needs are good ideas and ways to implement them. Why deny them the opportunity to create them?
What I appreciate is the opportunity to have this life with her. It has given me a lot of peace and joy in my life as well as in hers I think. We have our days but it’s been great. Life before Chrl was good but after Chrl has been and continues to be so much better. I have to have a bit of gratitude for that. It’s important to remember that good things happen in life.