It’s a long weekend and we have Chrl’s aunt visiting us. I should be at the hotel with them now but with all that is happening it’s nice to have this time to myself. Sorting through all of the internal issues that self introspection brings with it has gone on while doing all that needs to be done. We are adults making a go of it out here on the frontier. The exhibit we went to today kind of brought that home. Life was tough in those early days. Settlers from many different parts of europe came and settled these parts. There was nothing here besides the First Nations people that have lived here for millennia. There was grass and a brutal long winter followed by a short intense growing season.

I don’t know why but seeing that town recreated inside the Western Development Museum, an exemplar of the typical town that sprung up in the early 1900’s as settlers poured into here. They needed the basic supplies that were available here. Trade with the US brought in many interesting technologies necessary to farm the land. They built sod houses, not very waterproof but insulating against the extremes of this land. Land was divided up into rectangular parcels and doled out according to some grand scheme. The First Nations people were destabilized contributing to their tough plight over the last couple of centuries.

We are planning on living here for a while beyond Chrl’s studies. This has presented me with a conundrum. What am I going to do here? I’ve found a couple of things that have piqued my interest but I can’t fully commit to them because of the other things that are happening. I have also wanted to switch my career a little bit. The field that I am working in has over the past couple of years become less interesting. I’d like to work in a different medical imaging field but I am prevented from doing so because of the lack of places available. There is a system in place that controls how these desirable placements are allocated. This province is under a hiring freeze and thus outsiders have a hard time getting their foot in the proverbial door. I’m grateful that I’ve wedged mine in there. It isn’t going to be one of those quick ins like it happened before. It’s going to be more of a challenge that will require a bit of finesse. Brash behavior isn’t going to work here it is more of a waiting game. I’ll have to employ other methods…

One has to be aware of the environment and how all the pieces fit together. At work there are personalities that one gets on better with than others. There is a bit of gossip that happens as well as a bit of banter. The way I slip in my double entandres has some of them suspicious of what I have to say. It’s all for a good laugh though. If we sat there quietly or if we kept arguing or if there was a palpable tension… there is some of that there. Some of my colleagues have been here for a long time, for some this is the only job they have ever had. There are constraints here that are not experienced by people in major urban centres. This place is far from everywhere. At least there is an airport in town so we can get to places. Gone are the days of just getting on a plane and flying direct.

What this place has is potential. It may be small but it has everything necessary to get us to where we want to go in our own lives. That is really what is important here. We are trying to build a life together.

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Sometime later after another activity filled day I have a chance and the motivation to put some words down…

I had just learned of the bombing after a concert in Manchester. At first it was just a report of something happening then it turned into something else reports of what seems like another terror attack of some sort. They picked a soft target at a very public venue. A lot of them will likely be young girls and women who would have tended to be in attendance to see Ariana Grande. It’s a sad event that will surely impact not just the city but the artist herself. Our world is dealing with quite a lot right now and due to the speed that news tends to travel these events have an impact. I spent many a good nights in Manchester…

I sometimes seek to succinctly encapsulate what is going on around me and within me. Words are insufficient in scope to convey such expression. The cursor blinks incessantly waiting for me to try to begin. With each pass different aspects of this structure reveals itself but never the whole. If it were to come out all at once could it be understood?

It begins again, a new life shaped out of the fruits of past investments. I may have been stunned at the gravity of my situation. It all kind of fell into place like it was supposed to. The implications of all of this were not really thought through completely. There wasn’t a plan B or any sense of the particularities that will spring up as a result of my decisions. All those chats were a good base on which we have built our relationship. I am happy about the way we communicate and it has made moving in together that much easier. I have been quiet on social media. This isn’t linked to my page automatically. What I wanted was to just live together. We are moving quickly towards matrimony and reevaluating my feelings about all of these circumstances was and is important. I didn’t expect anything to change but it has made things clearer. It is important to build a solid structure, something that is able to weather the storm.

A few days ago a friend of Chrl’s passed away after a long illness. She was full of life and had a strong spirit that enabled her to live much longer than her doctors expected. Some people have that power to defy those odds. We are not here for ever. This mortal coil holds us for a limited amount of time. We should try to get as much out of life as we can. It is not as easy as it sounds. I’m trying and focusing on securing a decent life for us. This entails some sacrifices on my part but it also constitutes the most important part of my life. We are both focused on building this together. This is good.

There are however hardships that I will not experience. How many on this planet have it much worse. How many in my close vicinity have it much worse than I? All of this stability can swiftly shift towards total instability. These decisions are being made in full view of our eyes behind closed doors. I’m still holding on to that olde rebellious idealism that pervaded my spirit in my youth. It is tempered now by years of living. I’d like it all to be better not just for me but everybody. The system is bigger than me or you and it is kind of out of control of every force trying to control it. That control by “those” people only seems to bring about more misery. These destructive cycles pepper our society’s drift towards some sort of equilibrium and I hope that this drift isn’t a build up of tension that usually has a violent release.

We are far away from everywhere but we exist in a civil society out here on the frontier. The plains stretch out towards the mountains on either side of us . Buffalo used to roam here in great herds. Now there is a great deal of canola being grown here. It is an attractive plant to grow due to the unique conditions of this latitude. It was adapted scientifically for this region and now is a great source of income for many in this area. Possibilities exist wherever one finds oneself although they may not be the ones that were originally envisioned when setting out in pursuit of that vision. I think that I may have paused and breathed a bit in order to orient myself to my present circumstances.

There are these details that keep popping up. Things that don’t require full attention at all times. It is the greater overarching theme that is most important. I’m happy without recognizing it sometimes. Some of this has to do with actualization itself and the other has to do with learning to just relax more. Answers come in time floating along the river just waiting to be plucked from it’s journey. Taking a good hard look at myself always brings up things that can and in some cases should be mitigated. We are not perfect in our own eyes but in others we may be. We are at least desireable to them as they are to us more specifically me.

“Live your life to the fullest since you never know how long you may have.” There is a sentiment sometimes more poetic that floats around this sphere. Making the most of where I find myself will help build the life that I’ve sought. I’m trying to live a good life and I know there will be challenges as well as rewards in whatever form. I’ll overcome them as best as I can and now that I’m not alone they will be easier to bear. 

I try to use events as a means of bettering myself. The process of improvement uses both positive and negative events as guides or pivots along its trajectory. I must continue on forward and appreciate all that will happen. It’s better to go in with a good attitude and to maintain that attitude or else why pursue it? Why continue on forward? Significant events can be used to better oneself as they impact us with emotional energy that synergistically strengthens our resolve. 

I’m looking forward to the next few months. This break from the greater world was necessary but it is a bit of a luxury. Im just learning again how to exist here. I’m learning how to rebuild friendships that have been laying dormant. How am I to reestablish those thought lost? Recently a good friend from long ago shared with me some good news. The birth of his daughter. It’s been so long since we communicated. He had to go through his own path on his own while I went on mine. There are other such friendships that I’ve had that kind of whithered as time passed along and we drifted apart. I have a bit of anxiety when it comes to saying hello again. That will have to change for all the reasons mentioned above.