It Had Been A While

For one reason or another I have stopped writing here. The last post took a long time to write and my life took on dimensions that took up a lot of time. That space that I made for myself to write almost daily for the previous two years was no longer sustainable. It was filled instead with other activities that prevented me from finding the time and motivation to write. There seems to be only a finite amount of that energy. It was easy to get distracted by all the wonderful things that were happening in my life and something had also changed.

Chrl and I got married on a beautiful day with as many friends and family that could attend. It was a wonderful day that I still want to write about except that I want to do it justice and not just write a basic outline of the event. I still haven’t edited all of the pictures that we got nor have we finished sending out all of the thank you notes. It isn’t just this blog that has gone by the wayside.

The day after the wedding we left and caught the ferry back to the mainland and then flew back to Saskatoon so that Chrl could be ready to start her second year of Law School. It was a whirlwind of activity leading up to our nuptials and as soon as school started for Chrl I became obsessed with yoga and went there basically daily during September. In between those times I needed to take care of business at home. Cooking and shopping and all of the other things that are part of daily life consumed more of my time.

I became addicted to GoT and power watched all of the shows until the very end. It kind of depressed me. In many ways it is a very sad show with a lot of death and violence. It is pretty good but I can’t say that it is in some ways uplifting unless one counts all of those individual threads that one roots for amongst the carnage. I did this during Chrl’s extended study periods. At the end I was kind of sad that I took all of this time to go through all of those episodes. By this time winter had set in. A cold winter with little snow at the beginning yet bitterly cold.

I meant to start a project but delayed it due to the aforementioned activities. The project itself became an obsession consuming me for another few months once the new year began. I spent months going in and working on it. A few hours here an few hours there until the final push in February finally finished it off. We now have two identical desks that will serve me and Chrl for a long time.

Burn out followed the desks and it is something that I finally had to confront. What is it that I want out of life now? Life this year has taken us for a ride with respect to what it presented us with. Having inspired us with life it then took away that potential leaving us picking up the pieces holding them together while the rest of the world carries on as if nothing has happened.

Last fall something else happened. I finally moved into my dream field of imaging MRI. I have accumulated enough hours to finally be able to get one of the available temporary jobs that became available. A new department, a new platform and a whole new set of people to know. I spent a month retraining trying to shake some of the rust off of my skills. It was a lot to take in. It was a lot to learn. After all of these months it has only been recently that I have finally started to feel comfortable with everything. It is a much faster pace of work compared to Nuc Med. I had it easy for too long and got a bit soft with my skills. Here the department deals with all of the extreme cases. The really sick people. I really had to focus in order to do a good job. There were moments of anxiety especially when it didn’t go as well as it could have. My pride and ego got hurt and in that sense the physical exertion that accompanies a regular practice became an escape and a therapy against the stresses that come with maintaining such focus.

Our relationship has been evolving as well. After being together for as long as we have different aspects of our persona come into prominence. These details fill in the general qualities that made us fall in love with each other to begin with. The thing is, it takes time for these qualities to be noticed and appreciated. Things as simple as laying curled up together napping or chatting about our day are important. This relationship has reached uncharted territory with respect to length of time that I have been with somebody. It’s new for both of us and this is why we take the time to focus on these aspects. Such simple things mean a lot and this will affect our behaviour towards each other for a while yet.

Lately I have been trying to focus on more creative endeavours. There have been a few podcasts that have stirred some thoughts that have been put aside a while ago. Life is short and due to the pressures that society has placed upon us and requires from us in terms of time leaves us with little to pursue creative endeavours. Developing an idea is difficult and consuming but there are also obligations that have to be juggled…

Something has changed within me and I see that a lot has changed out there as well. I don’t want to live the rest of my life working forty hour weeks in pursuit of subsistence. I do love my job but the amount of time that it takes out of my life is too much. It is society that has created this system and I am glad that I have a job and am in a position that allows me to support the two of us. I am happy that the support that I give has resulted in good results scholastically. There is something more subtle at work here inside of me. A desire to do more, to challenge myself, to grow instead of coasting. I wonder where this restlessness comes from and I find insights in some of the podcasts that I have been listening to lately. There are others out there that are similarly afflicted wondering about the state of society. Is this the best that we can do? Questions regarding it’s structure lead to certain conclusions that naturally arise from observing how society has changed since the end of WWII. We know that technology has improved our lives but it has also polluted our environment. Society is learning to recognise the structures that have historically kept the masses subservient yet that recognition hans’t prevented the screws from getting tighter. Value tends to fluctuate.

In the coming months I hope to continue this blog. It isn’t the same as it used to be as I am not the same person I was. Rumination has propelled my thoughts all over the place. I want to explore the themes and topics that continue to interest me. Exploration leads to discovery. Simply recounting my daily life isn’t what is interesting. My days looks pretty much the same from a macro level. Wake up in the morning, either work or have something else to do like yoga, hang out with my wife, eat and sleep. On a more microscopic level individual days are unique with their own individual occurrences both good and bad. My life is just as valuable as any other and I would like it to continue to improve through my desire to explore and express what I find.

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