It’s easy to get caught up in complacency and just let it go. The other option (not that there are only two) is to continue on in whatever capacity possible. The goal is to catch up to the present. In the interveaning weeks since the long weekend much has happened but if I were to make a list right now it would forget some things. If I were to focus on just the feelings some would be forgotten.
The biggest challenge came during the first week. It took another week to finish off my project after getting all the pieces in from the makerspace. Over the course of the week I put on another four layers of paint on these treasured side tables. Each layer required fresh sanding before another layer was applied. Each one of these applications took the better part of two hours on top of preparation for the task. I wanted the paint to be as opaque as possible on these tables. It’s like some kind of obsession. I could have stopped after three or four but then I would have had to look at it in that state for a long time.
That saying comes to mind right now but has been with me for a long long time. That push to make things right has brought with it innumerable stresses as well as successes. I continued on throughout the week letting these side tables to dry outside in the bright sunny weather that we had that week. Luckily we face north so the intensity of the midday sun was avoided.
On certain days that week I continued to attend the foundation hot yoga classes. I continue to attend regularly to this day. The challenge is always against oneself but it helps that Chrl comes with me or I go with her. We reinforce each other by going together. Sometimes the first time we see each other is just before class. We share a quick hello just before we go in and change. Some days I’ve been a bit burnt out from work from whatever frustration or lethargy befell myself that day.
As an example of this was the week where I was scheduled to work at the city hospital. This hospital is so close to where we live that I’m able to come home for lunch. The day is not necessarily difficult but I am working on my own running the show. On the Monday there was a big thunderstorm. The storm actually happened while in a yoga class. The power went out during class and we collectively decided to continue on illuminated by some candles. In retrospect the instructor said that we shouldn’t of have continued but it was interesting. The power outage shut off the heating so it wasn’t quite a hot yoga class as the heat slowly dissipated from the room. The balancing series were a bit difficult as I focused on my shadow that slowly moved in time with the light. Everyone had trouble.
The next day there was trouble with the imaging system. The power outage damaged the CT compnent of the system. I could only do a limited series of my slate. The rest of the patients were going to have to be moved to some of the other sites. I spent the day sorting that out as well as phoning to get the systems up and running by getting the repair person in to do the job. It was going to take a couple of days to get it fixed. I was going to go in on Wednesday morning so that I could do the studies that I could in that system. I felt a bit cheated by being told to go somewhere else in the afternoon as well as Thursday. I’ve been looking forward to home cooked lunches.
My project concluded during this time as well. It’s been going on for a while now. The time to finish it is now. I put the last coats of paint on the pieces as needed. The units are not perfect as one of the drawers were a bit off creating a problem with the drawer sliding system. The space was just a bit wide thus the sliders didn’t line up properly. One of the drawers fit better than the other so I went with that. On the first weekend after the long weekend I installed the frame as well as the side tables. They were as sturdy as I hoped that they would be. In order to install them I had to rearrange the whole room. Chrl helped me with some of that work.
The weekend after the installation was my birthday weekend. It’s an unceremonious number and with all of the things happening it is overshadowed by that event. It’s the first time we are spending my birthday together since we became a couple. Taste of Saskatchewan which is a big event in one of the downtown parks was happening. This is a food festival where many of the city’s restaurants come together and set up tents from which they sell a small taste of their menu. We freeformed the weekend as it felt like the right thing to do. We are conscious of our financial situation.
We are conscious of this but that hasn’t stopped me from making some foolish big purchases that I “needed.” This happens sometimes when I come to a point when clothes start running or I’m preoccupied with something. I think that I have some anxiety about the impending nuptuals and my repartoire of clothes is starting to look worn. My closet is starting to become thin as some of my attire is starting to look worn. One of the big box stores is closing down and restructuring so I decided to take advantage and replenish some essentials. In retrospect I went a bit overboard.
Why is it that one’s mind conjures up some of these crazy outlandish thoughts? It uses up valuable resources that could be better spent focusing on more important matters. The decision was easy to make and it sometimes takes a random program or inspirational quote to put it all into perspective. Like a slap in he face it snaps you back into reality. Love and happiness are difficult concepts to truly grasp and implement into daily life. Adjusting one’s attitude to better align to one’s desire is sometimes challenging. I’ve learned how to center myself better as well as challenge the places my mind wants to go. Experience goes a long way in adjusting all of this as is the realization that the past few years have been the best in my life.
The old adage that one has to find happiness within themselves is true as is the observation that being loved and loving enhances life. These two concepts collided independently together at the same time unexpectedly. While there were some moments when I was analytical I mostly let things fall into place. It was some anxiety that creeped in there and it festered. Dealing with it by talking about it and acknowledging it allowed me to mitigate these feelings. This is that tingling feeling one gets before diving in off of a tall cliff. Kind of like the sensation I got before my bungee jump. In that instance the sensation that followed was one of extreme serenity and peace. I believe that I am in the same kind of place right now right before the plunge.
We had some drama to deal with. The bridesmaids dresses were not what they looked like online. It would have taken a lot of work in order for them to be suitable for the wedding. Chrl made the call to change the dresses when she saw the one that got mistakenly sent to our house. There was a moment of despair and realization that the dresses will have to change. Just a few days before this Chrl remarked how she would have chosen a different style for the bridesmaids. This “crisis” allowed for these changes to happen. All the bridesmaids will be wearing white dresses now and their style will be much simpler.
A month has passed… a bit over a month since that long weekend. It’s been hard to keep up with this and everything else. It’s funny how much thought has to go into details. Things to think about like the center pieces and how they will have to work out. Have to is a strong way of putting it. We have an idea but we don’t want to go overboard and into a stereotypical expression of our generation’s aesthetics by using mason jars. It would give a sense of hygge to our festivities.
Other aspects of preparation for our upcoming nuptials are also getting finalized. We decided on bow ties for the groom’s men. I picked an easy ensemble for them black trousers with a matching black vest over a white shirt. All the bow ties will be different as one of my friends has a bunch of bow ties that he likes to wear in lieu of ties. A little psychological trick to make himself stand out amongst all the people that are vying for the same business.
We watched a documentary on one of the news networks. It was actually a series of documentaries showing the evolution of media during the last parts of the previous century. It was the time when Chrl and I grew up. The kinds of things that were happening then have had a deep impact on how things are today. From the 80’s onward growth in media’s influence on our lives, it’s impact has been profound. This was charted through events that exemplified this development. As time progressed closer to the present the ability to broadcast events live has changed our world. Information about events is now almost instantaneously available. The information that we get is not always accurate but the images allow us to make a reaction to what is going on. The documentaries prompted us to talk about our lives and what was happening when that stuff was happening. I remember the first Gulf War and the Rodney King Riots. Before that I was too young to appreciate what was going on. Kind of like the young teens of today who are just beginning to understand what is going on. They are likely as confused as the adults are unless ideology clears all of that up.
I’m anticipating another hot yoga class. I’ve developed a routine with it now down to the way I pack my stuff. These precious moments before class allow me to write and catch up. There are three weeks to go until it’s time to walk down the aisle. Classes help dampen the anticipation. Physically I’ve lost inches but not weight. That’s kind of interesting and very welcoming. My previous attempt at losing girth resulted in a dip in weight that went a bit far and consequently was unsustainable. This time my approach is a bit different. I’m aiming for a different physical challenge that will form a foundation for future endeavors.
It’s been about three months now that I’ve been going there. In that time different things have become tweaked and subsequently painful. The pain isn’t something that is making me stop. One part can’t be responsible for derailing the rest of the body. My poor tendon will heal and be stronger. I envision the issue to be the body adjusting to the physical exertion and becoming stronger in the process. Mentally focusing on alignment has dual benefits one of them is forgetting everything else and the other is metaphoric. Physically this allows the body to strengthen positively. There is a movement towards balancing which has exposed the imbalance that is currently there. I don’t want to sound too much like a newly converted evangelist but I see why people have embraced this practice.
There have been developments at work over the past few weeks. A while ago my manager informed me that there will be positions opening up at work in MRI. I have been applying for all of the positions that have been coming up with no luck so far. In Nuc Med there have also been changes. One of our colleagues has left the department another has injured themselves and is subsequently out of work for a while. There are also a number of impending maternity leaves. All of a sudden there is a shortage of staff. I haven’t told anyone that I’ve been applying for a position in a different department and this week it dawned on me that keeping this hidden has been causing me some anxiety. The wedding hasn’t been the sole cause! My colleagues have taken a liking to me I think and the news that I’ll be leaving might cause some to be upset about that. Others like the newly graduating students will be happy as they will be able to get hours. I’ve been keeping my plans on the down low because:
- I don’t know when I’ll get the job
- It might mess up opportunities
- It’s a personal desire
Sometimes it’s important to keep some things hidden. I’m open with my goals for MRI but I think some believe that I’ll settle into my role and stay there. There is talk of permanent positions coming up. Those positions come with added benefits that are not available to me as a temporary worker. I’m still waiting for dental to kick in.
Anyways, the realization that this was causing me some trouble came as a big relief. Knowing something diffuses the emotional impact. It’s like being sick and finally finding out what’s causing it. What I’m doing at work is the smart thing to do and talking about it will inevitably lead to gossip and that’s something that I don’t want to happen. I would like to control the narrative for as long as I can in the meantime I’m going to work as best as I can because having a good reputation is important too. Every failed attempt reflected in my disappointment while everyone knows that I’m about to leave. I need the other job because it is something that I always wanted to do. It has shaped my life to an extent and once I get there I can move forward onto the next level whatever that may be.
This place where we live is peaceful most of the time. All kinds of people coexist here a truly multicultural blend of people. That’s not to say that there isn’t an underlying subversive prejudice against this. Chrl and I have been talking a bit about this. I hear about it from her day’s description as well as the topics she has been exploring in her studies. Unfortunately a large amount of the prejudice is directed against the indigenous population here. It is not unlike the kind of prejudice that is found south of the border targeting the black population. I think about it in relation to myself and how at certain times if I was stopped and frisked it would have gotten me in trouble. That could have set off a chain of events and I wouldn’t of have gotten here. I don’t have any contact with police. I can go about my business unmolested. That isn’t the case if you have non-white skin. That kind of stuff leads to problems in society. Police are necessary but not to act in such manner.
Such conversations lead to concepts and methods in which to engage with the government. Excessive shouting and protesting can only go so far there has to be dialogue and action. One way that Chrl discovered centers on the concept of Refusal that is a way of controlling the narrative presented by the media. The example that she talked about is based on an artist (whose name I can’t recall) and their work Lynchings or something to that effect. In their work they scratched out the Lynched individual which makes the viewer focus on the people around them. People in these photos are all basically white and sometimes dressed in their Sunday best. In modern times look at the Black Lives Matter movement and Standing Rock. The narratives are being fought over in the minds and in the streets. There are reasons for all of this and much to be debated.