Since the seasons are condensed due to how far north we are things change quickly. Just a couple of weeks ago trees were still barren afraid to sprout leaves from their buds. Over the past week or so everything seems to have come alive out of its dormant state. Farmers have to wait for the ideal time to plant their crops. As I’ve been reading lately in the wider world climate change means that there have been some places where spring came really early…
Days have been getting progressively longer so much so that the sun sets close to nine p.m. now. It rises really early too and it illuminates my walk to work in the morning already high up in the sky casting its rays into my eyes. I walk across the bridge daily as work isn’t really that far away. In the depths of winter this was a really cold and treacherous walk now it has become pleasant. Canada Geese fly and make noises over the river and on the grasses in the park. It feels like an optimistic time.
Changes are happening as well as the ramifications of my choices are dawning on me. Life out here on what I call the “frontier” is slowly settling in. The city is a microcosm of a larger city having just enough to make it live able. With spring the people who were once dressed in thick protective clothing are now in shorts when the weather is right. Now that the winter semester is over and out of town students are gone a truer picture of the demographics here emerges.
Inside of me my feelings have integrated with my thoughts. Some of these thoughts and feelings have pondered the consequences of my actions and how they have brought me here to this place. The last couple of years have been documented here in this blog and yet this time of joy and happiness have not been as thoroughly documented. They say that writing about joy and happiness is harder than sadness and in many ways they are right. That aspect has troubled me.
Al the joy that I have been feeling is kind of new to me. How many years has it been that I’ve been on my search for love? Why do dark feelings then sometimes emerge when old memories are illuminated by subconscious machinations? As I am about to walk up the aisle to watch my soon to be bride walk the same aisle in a few months I wonder if there is some anxiety there even though I’m sure of our decision. These sorts of feelings are natural and as we spend our time together we get to know each other more and more. I wonder if some sort of Hollywood prejudices of happily ever after aren’t in play.
I say this because for both of us relationships never really lasted all that long. Most of mine never really lasted more than a few months. Sometimes I wanted them to and sometimes I didn’t. When we discussed our past we in some ways acted similarly towards the opposite sex. This time however we have found comfort in each other’s arms but we are also in new territory and the sheen of a new beginning has worn off and we are starting to see the details of each other’s behavior. In relationships this is natural as more aspects of each other reveal themselves. Those little details mean a lot. We have seen each other through a few minor crises now and still remain committed.
As I see my partner actualize her goals I have come to looking at my own. Although I am greatful for my job I wish to move on to another imaging field. The jobs in that field are a bit more scarce at the moment. I need to be patient with that. I am trying to become more proficient with some software so that I could design and create but I find myself at the bottom of a mountain looking up. It looks daunting and I would like to be past the painful learning process. There are wedding things to consider and to focus on and there are the everyday things to take care of. I’m putting pressure on myself and sometimes that pressure seizes the gears that keep things moving.
Having this awareness helps as it makes it easier to move towards those goals. Life it seems is a constant journey towards some waypoints placed here and there. It’s not always the same kind of journey to each one. It takes different skills to make it from one point to another. It takes persistence and patience as I’ve learned over and over again.
As the seasons change I become more conscious of the passage of time. How many springs have I experienced? How many do I remember? When I look at things now I appreciate the details as well as the composition of what I’m seeing. It may be that because of my travels I have springs from different places to compare this one to. Emotions project themselves onto the environment amplifying what’s already inside. On a cloudy dreary day it feels more so when depressed. On a nice bright sunny day it feels more joyful when happy.
I’m focusing on the reality of my situation. I’m moving forward towards actualizing my dreams. Life is good…