Moving at the speed of life one tick-tock at a time. The pace controlled by a perceptual curiosity that disregards the rational mechanical precision of its definition. The experience of it on a daily and sometimes momentary instance varies greatly. What will I remember of this day if I were not to think about it now? What will be the important aspect of it? Will it be the things that I’ve done? The things that I thought about or felt? Will some new insight be discovered or a profound question posed? Will I find a new source of inspiration or finally feel like myself again? Will I just give up on everything and go live in the woods feeding on hibernating beasts and hibernate myself? Will it be just another day tossed in with all the others? Nothing remotely special or a jewel like all the others?
My brother is here in town finishing off his schooling to get his ticket in carpentry. I made a point to meet up with him as the breakfast we had the day before was too short of a time to catch up. He told me that I should frame my problems as challenges all the time. He believes that by framing them in such a manner will disable some of the connotations that are associated with the word “problem”. There is a certain degree of validity with seeing things this way. It facilitates a viewpoint that is kind of like a hill to be conquered whereas a problem is one of those mathematical questions that needs a solution written in pencil. At least in my mind. In reality though whatever instance that we are referring to doesn’t even matter because the situation needs a solution as well as perseverance to see a successful resolution at the end.
What he really wanted to know is why am I leaving and why is it that I can’t make that solution here in BC? After all the positive experiences I’ve had here lately and the surreal recovery from being sick my response was meek at that moment in time. He asked me if that is what I really feel I should do? I told him that yes I’ve agonized about it one way and another and that I had to make a decision a few weeks back. That job position that opened up was my last chance to stay here in town. That was the time by which I had to make a decision whether or not to go or to stay I told him.
There is really no way to know which decision is right or wrong for that matter. What did my gut tell me? What is it that I really want to accomplish? I want to get beyond the daily struggle to survive. I don’t like the position I find myself financially here and that part of the struggle will eat me up here. It would end up consuming me. It is a problem/challenge that I’ve talked about before. Recent events have given me a glimpse to other parts of my life that have laid in hibernation as if cryogenically frozen and finally thawing out. I have Barbs to thank for that.
We went into it with eyes wide open knowing full well how our lives are shaping up in the future. I had made my decision and shared it as she did with her plans that are also taking her along a dream and a passion that has for a long time shaped her life and steered her in a direction. Along the way of these journeys there are glimpses of the life that is sacrificed in some way because of this journey. There are topics that and a way of being that are incompatible with the lifestyle necessary to carry on. Those areas that require roots or a permanence or just a suitcase with a toothbrush and time that elusive thing. At any rate there is now and that is all that matters.
The mind works in mysterious ways and as I sat there at work focused on the complex cases that were on my slate there were moments when some of this passed through my head. Then there was a bit of an always was when I talked with my boss this was the first time I’ve worked with him since I told him my news. He had a few interviews left to do. Now he gets to make a decision shaping the way his department will work. It’s weird knowing that I won’t be a part. I have doubts but at the same time I feel I’ve made the right choice. As if it hasn’t been the right time for me to come back to stay. I don’t know how to express that in words or sheathed that is something I keep telling myself. It’s inevitable that when something good or bad happens sometime down the road I’ll think about wheather or not I’ve made the correct choice. Wisdom of the ages says that those times will only be temporary and that only if I live long enough way into old age will I be able to judge this decision in light of the events that have followed it. I suspect that I’ll still be fascinated and bewildered by the complexity of life.