We were sold a dream that didn’t turn out the way it was supposed to. Somehow achieving almost everything I’ve ever wanted there is no satisfaction. There is a powerlessness that is a symptom of the futility with which we navigate the maze.
My colleague and I discussed each other’s situations. We remarked almost at the same time how we were in very similar situations and feeling almost exactly the same about it. We have even gone through Nuc Med although at different times.
“Umm… Did you know you were supposed to start at 700 this morning?” After the greetings this was the sentence that stood out.
“Really?! I don’t think I was. Give me a half hour.” I replied.
I didn’t throw out the rest of my smokes last night… I made it into work kinda grumpy. The cases weren’t difficult but they were challenging in some way regardless. It was nice to hear the thank yous from that patient as I think about it now.
There is a new student working and training with us. They had some challenging cases on their side. I inserted a lot of cannulas today. Even in one patient that was waiting for the I.v. team (one guy) to arrive. I needed that space for my patient. It wasn’t that hard…
We were playing catch up all day. I came back to the flat and knew that I had to get cash for the rent. The roommate wast home. The first bank was closed sonindropped my stolid and went to the next one that was open and had a long line up. Surprising but whatever I waited.
“My transaction is nice and easy just a withdrawal”
It was the manager. He was the oldest one there and was the only one wearing a suit. He kind of chuckled after he saw the grin with which I made that delivery.
After I got back the flatmate saw the money. He says he’s become habituated to look for it in the “spot”. We talked about the state of the world. He has the same kind of feeling. He says many feel the same. I apologized for venting a bit. He was cool with it.
I left to get some dinner and have a session. Wondered over to a friend’s place and we had a chat. It was a long day for the both of us and she said that we should continue it sometime next week. We have both ridden life’s roller coaster and somehow having awoken at this age thinking “WTF?” But not with regret but a kind of “didn’t think I’d be in these living in these circumstances now”. Greatful but at the same time still hungry for more and curious about the future.
It’s important to be honest and open even though it is hard. Voicing or expressing thoughts and feelings and observations is important. I sit here in the dark under a giant tree on a small hill overlooking the water off in the distance. The glow of the lights shimmering in the gentle ripples of the flowing water. My butt hurts a bit from sitting on the root of this tree. It is a spot where many butts have rested before. Some guy is practicing his singing in the dark off in the distance somewhere down there. An occasional cyclist rides past.
The cube rotates in an ever widening array of facets. It’s complexity will at some point collapse into a new pattern the ripples and design a function of energetic economy. It’s beauty and utility perpetuating the strength of its unique constellation.