Where and when is the beginning as this is the end of these past few days. It has mostly been a time when a connection to the outside world has been mostly through the wifi signal carried by the router. It hasn’t even been a physical connection.
There was no one that I spoke to or any place that I visited. Just an endless array of articles and shows. It’s been a time to ignore reality for a while. Can’t ignore reality for ever and that reality cames in the form of forms to fill out. Ones that I can’t seem to print out right or even thinking about it send back in time. Legal formalities are complicated by geography and time differences. I find the whole thing frustrating. How many times do I have to answer the same questions? I haven’t been the best at following up either I must say. It’s a symptom of my malaise lately.
Mr. Robot and Narcos hasn’t been the most inspirational of viewing experiences either. Entire seasons were consumed. I’m reverting to some kind of escapism not wanting to face the reality of it all. Frozen in place mumbling swear words under my breath. I have seen the reality of the various different paths that I have decided to explore. All of them have drawbacks all of them have a difference to offer. Escapism is to avoid thinking about them. I thought about just saying “Fuck it!” And going out and drinking heavily but decided against it. That and chemical escapism doesn’t seem to interest me as much anymore. I just didn’t want to drink by myself…
I know what’s going on inside. I’ve taken enough psychology courses and read enough self-improvement articles to see the symptoms in their true light. They counter these observations with strategies that can help. I’ve followed them before with various degrees of success.
Acceptance of the present state and changing my perspective. It is not all that bad I’ve got work, a place to live, friends and a loving family. Check. Yes I can clearly admit that these aspects are covered. I haven’t sought them out though. I haven’t said you know we could have a chat. I find that sometimes it doesn’t help I have a lot of love inside and they do too. The problem isn’t something that can be externalised that easily. I’m trying to find something that will give me more fulfillment. I’ve gone and done the routes that have brought me here in the hopes that they would lead me to that. Here I am though still searching.
This search is a luxury. Many cannot afford to do this search because of time, money or circumstances. To have the freedom to do anything can be a burden. I wanted to escape thinking about the different choices because I wanted my subconscious to mull it over for a while. Maybe some sort of inspiration would come out of nowhere some sort of insight. What is important to me? What sort of question encapsulates what is really important to me and is it really one thing or a combination?
Questions lead to more soul searching. Again escapism is a way of avoiding all of that. It is a way of avoiding the hard questions and the inevitable hard answers that accompany them. Did I truly believe in my decisions at the time that I made them? Did I throw away opportunities needlessly? Is this all some kind of destiny to think about and express this form of bewilderment that has plagued me up till now? I sit here and shake my head at my perdicament. It is entirely of my own creation and the solutions will come from facing them head on.
In the past week faced with the prospect of some kind of change I have come to a few conclusions. One of them is that I will have to somehow change my career. I love my work but the satisfaction of helping people comes with the financial sacrifices that prohibit a stress free existence. I like to write this blog and have found this expression within these pages somehow freeing. It has forced me to be honest with myself at least at the time of writing it. Lately it hasn’t been an adventure of the physical kind but more of an adventure in the psychological sense. These states of decreased motivation plague me on occasion. I think it has to do with the anxiety associated with such momentous decisions or better yet choices. It makes me not want to do much of anything my energy sapped away from the present and in the future and the past. Although I must say escapism has made me not think about the present, past or the future. Just what is on the screen in front of me.
It would be wise for me to build upon the experience that I have. I need to keep growing both personally and professionally. I need to focus and be disciplined for the next while in order to achieve these goals. This procrastination that has been with me is a periodic occurrence. I am kind of lazy sometimes but productive and efficient when needed. It is increasingly clear to me that whatever course of action I take it will involve me leaving this country. I need to fund my dreams it is a means to an end. These hopes and dreams are not solely just professional. Spending time around my friends and their kids makes me think of my own hopes for starting a family. At any rate at least alleviating this feeling of loneliness. Is it something that of my own creation? Maybe… someone once said to me with tears in her eyes that I needed to express a devotion to that someone. That in order to elicit a commitment I would have to commit myself. In the next breath she said that she wasn’t the right person for me and that it hurt her to say so. She said that she wasn’t capable or willing to do so and that she was ending it now so that she wasn’t going to be hurt in the future. I was shocked by this admission and at that moment knew that she was right but since then I’ve wondered it that was a test of some kind.
This coming back here to Vancouver maybe wasn’t the best idea. I have to admit that. I know why I did it but I haven’t felt the greatest since being here. It kind of feels empty. The city has a lot to offer and it is beautiful here but there is something that has changed maybe that is me. I think I’ve mentioned that before.
There are many more things that have passed through my mind that have now escaped the stream. One thing that I will do is give up cigarettes today. That has been on my mind lately. I’ve tried cold turkey, the pills and the patch but I think the vaporiser method will be the ticket. I want to live a long life.
Many of the self-help/improvement items found out there and learned in life I have done. Sometimes though I have been confounded by those desires being so close yet being unfulfilled. There is only so much control that one could have over one’s life circumstances get in the way and one really only has control to a degree over oneself. That is it.
I feel better after this as if I have discussed this with a friend. I am not giving up on anything just looking forward to the adventures that the next years will bring.