It’s nice to be back but I’ve got to help out as well. I’m on my return journey on the 503 heading back into Vancouver. The schedule says I’ve got to be at the magnet in the morning. I’ve gotten used to being up late now with the kind of schedule that I’ve had lately. There has been no discernible rhythm to life since returning. It’s just going forward one step after another. Each task is packaged into a manageable size and timeframe.
There is an added benefit to these tasks that is seeing my parents. It’s not the quality time that I picture of sitting around a table chatting or going to some activity and taking pictures. I think that is something we are working towards I hope we get there. There has been a build up of years of stuff and a general lack of time. When there are too many things on the plate you prioritize and with diminishing capabilities that prioritization becomes more savage. The leftovers are dumped into a convenient place and left there to decompose. With an impending sale (fingers crossed) this material has to get dealt with.
Part of my time here in the next little while will be spent traveling back and forth helping them dig themselves out from this heap of stuff. As I have travelled back and forth and all around I know how much you need and how much is wanted. Most needs are temporary and immediate like food and toiletries as well as clothes and shelter. Then there are those needs that have a different value in our lives. Things that are of a sentimental nature these are the things that can pile up in the shelter filled with buys, gifts and ongoing projects. Sometimes the wants and needs coincide in a sharp border like in a Venn Diagram. There are those grey areas as well as clear dump or keep choices. I wonder what rate this process will take towards it’s inevitable conclusion.
On occasion I see things from the past and I think about how far this object has travelled with us. I see a picture of us at different times in our lives. That seems so distant now. Those times could not imagine the present. Where we would end up and the things we have done. As the years have moved along we have slowly drifted apart as our lives have taken on new commitments and obligations and our geography has widened. Hence why whatever time we spend together is precious. Even those few minutes on the phone or Skype or momentarily stopping through.
It’s not just for my mind that I was needed but mostly for my body to help move things. To help do some yard work that will make the property look nice. There are so many things that slowly or quickly have to be done. Now that you’re here can you also do this, that and the other? Parents know how to use their persuasive techniques to get me to do things. I’m not really offering much resistance beyond the pressures of time. This journey back and forth is about two and a half hours each way and there are still some things I got to do back there.
So there hasn’t been much excitement. The one new thing has been watching some tv. I haven’t watched it lately and at this time there seems to be a lot of newsworthy events happening. There is the ongoing Ferguson melé, the shots fired and the standoff between the people and the authorities. When will the scars of this tension heal? When will equality ever reach everyone? That militia walking around didn’t seem to be confronted by the authorities. There is an election happening in Canada. We are about to choose a new leader or keep the old one. The one who I don’t understand how he got there and whose policies and stances are at odds with mine. I’ll have an opportunity to voice my opinion somewhere. There is the whole nomination process happening in the US. That is an interesting as well as disturbing process. Our world is a bit messed up now. There wasn’t much in the way of international news at least I don’t remember as I dozed in and out of consciousness. I have to keep myself in focus amidst all this noise that is happening. Sacrifices just have to be made. It is those wants and needs and how to get them. I had a lot of months to be free of thinking about it and now I’ve had a few months of thinking about how to survive. It has been a survivalist kind of time not in a forest or the wilds but in the city and modern life.
I’m approaching an intersection a spaghetti junction and I have to make my choice. The life is not ordinary and as much as I’ve wanted it to be those cards were never dealt to me so I’ll make due with what I’ve got and maximize my return. Journeys however long make me think about this. I know that once I commit to something for a time I’ll stick it out. I do like it here but I can’t afford to live the kind of life that I want and need at least not now. I dunno…. I’ve had these inkling thoughts even when I was in the UK. The balance seeks a centre the snowball has hit an obstacle here but it’s a continuum. So a new formation will spring from the ashes of the old.
I can muse about this because I don’t have a child or a woman to think about. My maturation has been prolonged and it may have become a challenge now. I don’t have a fear of commitment or opening up or even showing desire like some have pointed out. In the back of my mind I saw the future and it was one I didn’t like or couldn’t picture. There does need to be some passion there something to affect all those neurons to bathe the receptors in fuzzy hormones and create that bond. Falling in love is easy with the right person. Being together shouldn’t be hard I was told. It shouldn’t be a series of sacrifices and untold series of difficulties yet sometimes these are the things that strengthen. Sometimes when I’m walking along thoughts somewhere else I’ll notice a pair of eyes staring at me. Eyes within a being that I’d like to know our paths though headed in opposite directions. Sometimes those eyes never venture my way while sometimes I don’t notice. It’s that timing that ticket that hopefully will shower with wealth and riches though not great still significant. Wealth… What does that mean?
Maybe that’s enough for now. I’ve made it back to my destination. From the bus leaving to me getting off the train is about two hours. I’ve got things to take care of before I lay down tonight.