Somewhere along the line the world has changed in from of my eyes without me even noticing. It took that break away and then coming back for me to notice. I’m tired of the rat race but not life. Life is worth living but being shuttered in a maze is not the game I’d like to continue playing. At least not on someone else’s terms. I feel limited and treading water being mindful of each coming wave. It’s been like this for a while now I just never noticed or I just didn’t care. Maybe I put the decisions off for too long and now the time has come. Maybe ice just been waiting for this time to come. I’ve approached things from multiple angles to try to get the best outcome but forces and decisions kept me in place.
It may be coming to terms with the fact that this is one of the first times in a while where I can direct myself in a direction that I want to go. Every one of the directions has a caveat as well as a cost and benefit. This may be why it isn’t as easy as originally imagined. There is sentimentality involved and each requires effort even the choice of doing nothing at all. That’s why the whole rat race thing has got me shaking my head.
The next question is what is it that I would like to do? The first thing is traveling more but it’s also finding a home and not just a place to sleep. That home should have all that the concept entails. How will I get there? This is where you enter the maze. This is where I am. It’s either that I haven’t taken advantage of the opportunities that were presented to me or I haven’t found the right opportunities to take advantage of. Is it because of logic or intuition. Is it one way or the other or some other?
I am restless because it’s the first day off in a while and I’m just blowing off steam and coming to terms with free time. When I was away did I think of work at all? I can’t recall. I don’t think I did. I know it’s necessary towards the attainment of credit towards the financing of lifestyle. I feel the weight of this now. I am also conscious of the value of my work and how currency devaluation is devaluing its worth. The long and short of it is that I’m just not making enough. I do enjoy it but I don’t enjoy scrounging for the pleasure. If I could afford it I’d be driving out of the city somewhere. How did I get into this mess? By financing my education that got me here. I don’t regret my decisions and maybe sometimes I was a little foolish and maybe I could have invested a little more wisely but those decisions were made in a context. I can’t beat myself up over that. I can only look forward. I look back and remember that there were so many other good things too. I’m not unhappy I’m just not satisfied. I’d like all aspects of life to bring me that satisfaction. Not just tiny portions halves or quarters but wholes. It’s important to maintain the portions and build towards the whole. Some of you have built these wholes while others have not. We all wander around wondering about it. What form or package it will come in as it presents itself even if it is inside somewhere.
In a mystical magical sense I kind of understand why I’m here. It’s time to heal and regroup clean up, sort out and get my ducks in order. As I walked through Stanley Park and marveled at the huge trees surrounding me this thought came to me. In the mystical spiritual sense this is the right thing to do. In the logical rational sense well… it makes sense too. It made sense a while ago but I keep loosing sight of that. I keep getting lost in the sheer drudgery of it all. It’s that inertia of it once the initial resistance gets overcome the process should become easier to manage.
The forest is a magical place. What lays preserved here on the edge of Vancouver is what used to cover the entire Lower Mainland. It’s something to think about when I look up and admire the majesty of the canopy up above.
I’m just waiting for a few pictures to be printed out. I decided that there should be some new images thrown into the mix of all the older ones that I unpacked. Life has moved on from then and new experiences have been added to what was before. Since then I’ve been around the world. It’s to keep the inspiration going and help me remember where I was and where I could be. It’s to help me think of what can be as well.
Sunlight is shining through amongst the branches of the tree. I’m sitting here on the corner of the park looking out toward the water over the patch of grass that is surrounded by the trees. There is a woman with her trainer doing a kettle bell workout. I have to adjust my gaze so that the sun shines through the sunglasses and not through the small gap in between. The crows sound their shrieks as they fly through the air and the seagulls cry their whails in the distance. It’s not much of a rush hour here close to the beach. People move about some with their dogs others spaced out as the occasional waft of pungent herb passes through the air. It’s relatively quiet here. Ships are anchored off in the distance and each successive mountain ridge is softened by the mist off in the distance. The eyes’ fidelity being much wider than the camera’s.
The pictures didn’t turn out the greatest but it’ll do. I just have to hang them now. I’ve called a few people and they have are busy today. It’s a combination of work and other commitments. I myself have resigned myself to just relaxing and puttering on. I’ll try to sleep at a normal hour.
A lot was just pent up inside. There is a way out of this cycle but it’ll need something that is beyond the usual. If worse comes to worse I know I have something to fall back on. I’m not skill less. I want this yolk that has been present there for a while to be removed. It has held me back and forced me to make certain decisions. I need to stop ruminating like this and just get on with it.
At the end of the day it was also a restless night. The coolness of the day gave way to the heat of the night as the sun powered through the clouds.