It’s been a year since that fearful night when for some reason or lack therof unbridled passion took over our senses. A year that has changed my outlook into our outlook even though we are now apart on different continents in different time zones.
In my mind there is this image that has acted like a sort of metaphor for life. It’s this image of a single celled protozoa swimming through water encountering debris floating in its path. It swims forwards until it encounters something and then reverses changes direction and starts swimming again until it bypasses the obstacle and moves forward toward some indeterminate goal. This series of images full of color and biological pattern plays itself in my mind as I sometimes think about life.
A single celled organism is one of the most basic of lifeforms that we encounter yet never pay much attention to. It contains all the basic elements needed to sustain life at least for a little while. It travels through its environment not really getting far relative to our distances but it fulfills all the elements of life in its tiny life. What gets me about this image is the basic movement that informs its behavior. As if the act of moving around the obstacle is somehow exemplary of life when looked at in the macro scale.
Here the metaphor relates to love and the bonding that may or may not happen as one travels through this life. This is how chance favors those that can recognize the treasure that is held in one’s arms. Those little protozoa feel instinctively that they cannot feed on the detritus in its way it looks for something that will sustain and nurish. Something like a treasure to its little brain. So I sit here wondering about how I feel about the past and how all those bits I’ve encountered have lead me to someone who holds my attention even though we are so far apart.
We live in a world connected by wires and satellite technologies. We talk to each other as often as we can on top of sending each other messages that hang there in the air until we are ready or awake to read them. We have the modern romance played out over distance yearning for togetherness knowing that it won’t be long now. The trouble with being apart is the lack of physical contact and the lack of those moments that pop up randomly that can make us both smile.
Apart… We were both individuals having almost given up on love. Think of all those times being excited about going on a date or starting a new conversation with someone only to be dissapointed with the outcome. All those ups and downs that have lead nowhere. Some were pretty, some were dumb, with some there was no connection, with others it just felt like disaster. The heart can only take so much of this before it decides it doesn’t want any more of this it’s just easier to forget the feelings forget those dreams the minds been dreaming and just exist.
Maybe these feelings allowed the heart to open one more time. There was nothing to loose since it wasn’t meant to be anything but fun. Maybe just letting go and allowing the good times to roll allowed those feelings to sneak in just in time to be alone again. There was no time to think before but since the separation there has been nothing but time to ponder forever? More?
This is what we have grown to conclude. We have learnt more about our thoughts and feelings by the constraints of our talks. Let’s not be distracted by our nakedness but focus on our brains and what our hearts are feeling inside. This is what I’ve learnt in the year that has passed us by. It makes me think of some of those old school romances played out in long letters penned with a quiver on rough parchment. When chivalry was born and a knights quest always ended in a damsels bosom a respite from the rough and tumble world outside the bedroom walls.
But it’s really more than that innit? What the body and mind need isn’t always within one person. Some have parts or aspects but there is more to want and need from either party. That voice in the back of my mind has gone silent. It was never really a voice but more of a spider sense that buzzed intermittently. There were fortunate events and good choices. Some are lucky early in life while others go through the pain later. I needed to wait a bit longer restlessly waiting while floating along the jet stream of life.
One tip toes around the subject enough times in order to understand. This one is all encompassing and fascinating interwoven in interesting ways as roots have taken hold ‘you have my back and I have yours.’ We dance with the subject between us sowed together each passing day by ‘spooky action at a distance.’