Alone In Context

It’s been a long week and the final push towards the end of the week, towards Friday has been a collective effort. One day into the next the hours and the minutes reflected in the ticking of an internal clock. Tick-tock, tick-tock, although there is no sound as time has become digital measured now in oscillations of cesium instead of revolutions of the sun. Not much of that in the basement of this building where we are located during the day. 

The sun controls my sleep wake cycle and it’s early daily appearance has the effect of induced insomnia on me. It happens every year and it’s more prominent the further north I find myself. I look forward to this time as the mind and body behave a bit differently. It’s a subtle change occurring daily bit by bit as daylight expands. It leads me to the conclusion that I’m solar powered. I need the sun to feed my mood elevating my energy levels through the absorption of photons and stimulation of the pineal gland deep inside the brain. Ambient light has a direct influence on the perception of the environment. The environment has a direct effect on the functioning and excecution of the mechanisms that keep life going. RAG and I joked that a shitty place can look spectacular in sunshine whereas on a cloudy day it looks immensely miserable. Of course it’s not as simple as that but it’s good to tease out the constituent elements.

Days have been rolling along like hills in a fast moving train. Undulations that correspond to the cycles of day and night. The rising and falling of the sun as well as motions of the clouds even in the day to day requirements required of me at my work. The morning boot up and warm up of the tube followed by a check of uniformity and finally loading the appropriate collimators for the first study of the day. A lot of “g’mornin’s” are spoken reflexively upon seeing the many somewhat groggy faces at the start of the day. My coffee is firmly clutched in my hands as the various processes take place. I’m bending the rules to suit me by doing this but sometimes these rules go a bit too far. 

As an independent agent contracted to fill in a role I scutter on the edges of the core. On the one hand highly qualified on the other powerless to influence meaningful structural change. There have been some changes that I’ve instituted but not the kind that I envision making this place better and more efficient. Working in this capacity has taught me how to conduct myself in a more professional manner. With each iteration my abilities have been put to the test as has my character. This theme extends out towards the core of my present existence alone in a foreign land away from my family and friends. Away from the person with whom I would like to spend all of my time with. It’s a cruel twist of fate that in the long run will serve as an epic story of two people coming together forming a union a partnership for mutual benefit. 

What kind of language should be used to express these thoughts and feelings that permeate my consciousness cyclically calling attention to themselves. Paradoxically they are filled with sadness and longing and on the other and they are joyous and fascinating owing to the prospect and recognition of finally finding someone that inspires these feelings within me. By keeping myself busy and occupied those thoughts of longing are mitigated and action inspires constructive imagination. 

Conversation centers around our day and over time our issues are displayed to each other to be examined and noted. We look forward to these conversations and we express what we can in the best way that we can under the circumstances. If only we could reach out and touch each other. If only we could teleport ourselves back and forth like they do in the movies. Distance wouldn’t be so bad but it is. Time is also our obstacle as I lay to sleep she is having lunch as I wake she is going to bed. We are awake when the other dreams and we wonder through like spirits into each other’s psyche inhabiting that region that lays on the border between this world and the other. 

Our conversations form a bridge that joins our two shores together. Physically our shores complement each other parallels that join in the horizon. As the hardware fits so too must the software and this aspect is more malleable more adaptable and responsive to new information gleaned from our communication. We are both motivated to adapt to each other and although distant this serves to motivate us further and individually work on ourselves with the goal of bringing joy into each other’s life. It is said that first we must be happy with ourselves before we can make someone else happy. There is a lot of truth in that thought without specifying what that actually means. It took me a while to figure that out. 

For a long long time many many years ago events conspired for me to become dedicated to ideas and ventures. These topics commandeered a lot of time and energy in order for them to be successful. Over time since so much time and effort was exerted I lost sight of something important as it became burried underneath layers of sediment that time inevitably brings. All those dreams were in danger of wilting falling like a tree in a forest which no one hears. Dreams don’t come with instructions on how to make them happen. Dreams are more like beacons shining in the fog a vague direction obscured by topography  and the need to look down at where the next step is going to be. It’s not a paved path all the time sometimes you have to clear a path. 

Filters are used to remove any contaminant from a liquid in order to make it pure. Sometimes you want to isolate the contaminant because that is the thing that you’re after but sometimes like when making coffee the brew is that goal. Travelling outside my comfort zone and removing myself from the comforts of home served as a metaphoric filter to isolate, cleanse and create what the beacon represents. By letting go of the things that over time have settled on me and allowed for the rediscovery of things that gave such vibrancy to life allowing for what is termed “happiness” to develop. I was somewhat ignorant of this but it made me attractive like a magnet and they in turn to me but from a completely different direction. 
Friday appeared to be a day that on paper looking at the slate seemed easy. For the most part it was until the very last patient showed up extremely late. It was funny that something like this happened. Apparently they were stuck in traffic as they were trying to make efficient use of their time. I couldn’t get mad at them as they were so nice. Their age and our prior talk made me look forward to seeing them again. The time spent waiting for them dragged on and I had to leave in order to catch the right train after work. I missed the bus to take me to the station so I decided to walk and take a photo of the billboard that inspired me to write this entry in my blog. I had meant to do this sooner when there was a poster hanging nearby that has since been stripped off by the winds. The day was nice outside sunny with only a slight wind moving the clouds along. 

Alone it seems and on an island to boot. There are people all around but they are strangers and some it seems don’t want to interact sometimes it’s me that doesn’t wanna either. So alone is self imposed in order to meditate on what to do next as it develops as it progresses as time evokes new perspectives.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s