It has been a bit harder to say something lately. One can point to any number of things that have created this “freeze” not the least of which has been the weather. Ultimately though it is with oneself that the blame must start. Maybe it’s the timing of activities or the effect that they have on motivating one to go on and get on with it.
It’s not a total loss however. During the long Skype conversation I managed to somehow articulate how I feel about my situation. There have been many articulations in various nuanced arguments with various people. The for and against but it still comes down to me. It still comes down to what do I want to do. This indecision has to a degree imbued me with an aura that makes it hard to get close to. I have to step out from the field and touch upon someone in order to bring them in to my thoughts and affect their mind. In this manner using their judgement and adding it to the ever growing chorus in each camp. I was reminded that I’m a good person and that these issues are real and not easily solved by a simple move.
My aunt goes to me in Polish “have you ever heard of the joke about how a woman is like a bell?”
“No… I don’t think I have” as I quickly scanned my brain for “bell+woman+story”.
“When a woman is seventeen she is like the big bell that carry a loud ‘DONG-BONG!-” et cetera as she carried on with her impressions of a big bell puffing her cheeks and lowering her voice for effect.
“When a woman turns thirty she is more like a bell that was once used to call attention and swung with the arm ‘DA-DING-DA-DING!'” Indicating with her mannerisms that the beat was faster.
“When a woman turns fifty she is like a tinkerbell ‘di-di-di-di-di-di'” except she used polish sounds that insinuated anyone will do.
She kind of made the analogy that when you’re young your bell is loud and the sound is loud. It’s the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard. But as you age the bell becomes smaller and the beat is faster as the range of possibilities and the loudness doesn’t carry as far. The circle becomes smaller. When one finally gets to the advanced years the ringing is more frantic meaning anyone will do.
There is a lot of truth in this analogy and the same could be said for a man. So when I think of that future and where it could be I forgo dealing with the mess around me and withdraw because I want to escape the inevitable, I want to sleep and rest, read and re-energize in order to focus on the task that lays ahead. I look at my finances and that makes me stop too. A night out could finance this or that I need some shoes, I want to finally be rid of these damned loans.
Here is be treading water for a long time to come. Leaving would be like taking a plunge into slightly known water.
There was some tension in the knee as I walked along. It got me thinking mortal thoughts. Have to stay strong for myself and my future parter, for my future wife, for the challenges yet to come. I don’t want to just hobble along but I want to thrive. Time is of the essence. It’s time to find that place that I’ve been looking for. That place where it will all fit together. I’m searching I can’t stop.